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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29775450">Say A Little Prayer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/caxsthetic/pseuds/caxsthetic'>caxsthetic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Uncaged Soul || AoT / SnK Collection [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Blind Love, But Not In Sexual Way, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Choking, Completed, Eren is God in Her Eyes, F/M, Kinda, Reader is too kind, SEASON 4 SPOILER</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:35:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29775450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/caxsthetic/pseuds/caxsthetic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You praised his name in your prayers, following him like a devoted follower, more than a lover should be. And you believed in him, didn't matter if you were blinded by your love as he took you to hell with him.</p><p>No, he would never bring you to hell. You were sure of that. He would give you freedom instead — and it didn't matter to you how he gave it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eren Yeager/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Uncaged Soul || AoT / SnK Collection [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182569</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Blind Belief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Tick tock. Tick tock.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Usually, if you and the rest of your friends were together, the room would never be this quiet. The second you guys walked into a private space together, someone would let out a joke or harmless snide, followed by laughter and a half-assed reply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But not now, not when someone was missing from this circle of friendship.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything was still so vivid in your mind, in all of your minds. How you cheered after the attack in Marley could be considered a success, your arms wrapped around Sasha and teased her that she would be back to eat Niccolo's food — and then seeing </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span> again, now with brown hair reaching his shoulders and a thin facial hair adorning his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was an urge to tackle him with affection, you even let out a sob the second you laid your eyes on him in Marley. Though Jean assured you that there would be time for that. And with how your lover had his hands restrained within handcuffs and chains, you knew that now was not even the right time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Those emerald eyes darkened when they fell on you, as if he was so disgusted by your mere presence. The excitement and longing that you felt were gone in an instant as you tensed up from his cold upbringing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was not hostile to anyone, anyone else but you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a heavy heart, you decided to just get back to the rest of your friends, letting Armin and Mikasa handle whatever would happen next. You could feel his emerald eyes weighing your body for every footstep that you took. But you never turned your face to him, afraid to see such emotion twirled inside his orbs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What happened next felt like time passed in slow motion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You closed the metal door, leaning your back as you took a deep breath. Connie was waving his hand toward you, laughter and cheers filled the room, and you could not help but smile, letting the joy of winning this attack seep into your heart instead of wallowing in worry of why your lover looked at you like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
</em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then you saw it, little hands crawling up inside the airship. You saw it, when two familiar kids that you knew as warrior candidates infiltrated the place you were in. And you saw it too — the long rifle on her tiny hands, one eye closed as she aimed it at anyone, would be good if it was an important person.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You could not process what happened next after that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your feet brought you fast to your friends, ignoring how some of the soldiers looked at you with a question mark on top of their heads. You could not breathe, you were almost there, you just needed to push them all away and they would be saved.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Bang!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You gasped as you could feel the bullet grazing your hip. The pain was excruciating even for you, you felt it once leaving a hole in your arms back then inside Reiss Chapel, and now you felt it again. But thinking about your own injury was not your priority right now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your priority was to open your eyes and scan the faces of your friends. Connie was looking in your direction with jaw hanging slack. Jean had his pupils widened at the sight of you — and how your arms wrapped around Sasha's neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was warm, suddenly you could feel a warm liquid seeping through your uniform at a rapid pace. A second later and crimson was now splattered upon your face as your friend choked out blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next, her body went limp. The next, your vision was blinded with tears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You pushed Jean away as he screamed at you to snap out of it, one hand gently touched your wound that you could not feel as your heart was ripped apart, even way more painful than the physical pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The night was not supposed to end like this, with the death of your comrade, with the death of your best friend. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Meat, </span>
  </em>
  <span>that's what she said. That was the last word that slipped from her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It suited her. When you let the word roll down your tongue, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sasha.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To remember someone as gluttonous as her even thinking about sharing the precious food all those years ago, you could only let out a bitter laugh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your fingers slipped in between her damped strands of hair, full of battle sweat. She loved it, saying that it made her feel secure, but only if you were the one who did that. No one else but you, not even the handsome chef.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You were supposed to do that with her head laying on your thigh, both of you rambling about what food Niccolo would cook for everyone once the airship touchdown safely in the Island of Paradis, home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it was not possible as the light in her eyes was forever gone, soon followed with pitch-black flooding your vision.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You let out a sigh to stop yourself from recalling the night even more. Your head was gently resting on Jean's shoulder, opposite you was Armin and Mikasa, both quiet as they were busy with their own thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How is your wound?" Jean whispered as he knew how quiet it was in the room, didn't want to bother the others with the chit-chat. His question made your hand move subconsciously from your thigh to touch the bandaged side of your hip. "Is it still hurting?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You chuckled softly at his question, which earned you a raised eyebrow from your friends as they were now focused on your direction. Not wanting to worry them, you raised one of your hands to dismiss their concern aside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I am fine, it was nothing." Clearing your throat, you tried to sound as sure as possible. "You guys knew I felt worse than this before."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slipping a laugh from your lips, your friends were all having a thin smile on their faces. You were always the positive one, a naive — if they decided to go with what people said about you. Someone so pure and caring to everyone that she loved, yet if something endangered her loved one, she could turn into a monster.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He didn't even say anything."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the warm atmosphere only lasted for a few seconds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He knew that you were injured, that you lost so much blood too." Connie's eyes never left the windows in front of him, he was the only one who didn't smile at your attempt to loosen up. "But what?" You glanced at him, seeing how his hand balled into a fist. "That bastard Eren didn't even blink or care for you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Connie!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mikasa hissed at the truth that was being thrown in the air. She didn't know what angered herself more at this point. It was either how Connie insulted Eren for being apathetic, or his words that she knew too well left a sting of pain in your heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mikasa, it's al—" You stood up abruptly in an attempt to calm her down, but the pain jolted on your hips, making you gasp as you felt the wound stretch a little. She ignored Connie, and in an instance was striding beside you as her hand rested on your back, easing you to sit down again beside Jean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't rush. You are still healing."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ravenette had her hands going up and down to distract you from the pain, Connie was silent for a while as he felt guilty for lashing out like that. You couldn't blame him, he lost half of his soul once Sasha took her last breath. You knew the pain, you were just better at hiding it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence engulfed the room once again as your friends focused on making you feel better. You didn't want to worry them, and you could only curse at yourself for hissing out of pain like that before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Connie was distressed, no. Everyone was distressed at this point for losing a dear friend. You knew at the back of their minds, they would think that this grief they felt right now would never exist if only Eren did not try to infiltrate Marley with the rest of the Survey Corps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, that was true, but you felt like there was more to it. There must be a reason why your lover wanted to show up this night. Either it was just because he wanted to get revenge as fast as he could (a reason that you thought was enough to remember how emotional he used to be), or maybe it was just a start of a longtime plan, but you just believed that there would be a good reason for his doing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I am going to talk to him."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You voiced out your thoughts, and that even made Connie whip his face toward you. "He must have felt so lonely down there." With your head hanging low, fingers fiddling around the promise ring that was given by Eren after all of you reclaimed Shiganshina, you were making up your mind. "Maybe I could get him to talk, any kind of information would be important, right?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your friends looked at you as if you were crazy. Everyone could see how much he had changed. From a suicidal maniac, to now an empty, emotionless human. They even wondered if he was still human or not with how eerie his aura could be from time to time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't be stupid, he didn't even say anything when Captain Levi </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked</span>
  </em>
  <span> him." Jean scoffed as he straightened his back, perhaps wanting to intimidate you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jean is right, with how unstable Eren is right now, we know if he wanted to, he would do something drastic." The soft voice that belonged to Armin filled the room, the gear inside his brain never stopped spinning to think of all the possibilities that might come if you decided to confront the long-haired brunette.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mikasa stayed silent, while Connie felt like he needed to say something. But as his eyes landed on your pained expression, he decided to shut his mouth for now. He wouldn't say anything, at least not when you were around, not with how much you loved Eren and his words might make you sad even more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But I need to." You said out loud sternly, in the process, are demanding everyone to agree. "He loves you, all of you. But his love for me was not just a friendship or brotherhood bond." You squint your eyes a little as your words felt like you were trying to convince yourself. "It's romantic love." And it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>stronger</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They gulped when they heard your statement. Even Armin could not argue that you might be the only one who could make Eren open up. You never pitied him, you were there to support, to cheer, to believe that he would be alright, even on the battlefield that was supposed to worry you with how low the chances of survival was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And with how you treated him, the blonde knew that his best friend appreciated you even more than Mikasa. Because you treated him like a man, because you believed in his ability to manage a life and death situation, because even though you mourn with him while he was thinking about his mother, you were there to provide comfort, not to gaze at him with orbs full of pity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Even though we all agree to that," Armin paused, thinking for the right words. "How are you going to visit him? No one was allowed to go down there."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a smug smile tugged on your lips as you stood up, palms dusting your wrinkled clothes before walking toward the door. Your aura was reeking with confidence as if you had everything planned out. The blonde should have known by now. Whatever happened, nothing could actually separate you from Eren.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, Armin, you knew that Hange had a soft spot for me, right?" You wiggled your eyebrows playfully, earning a little chuckle from your friend. "If only you guys showed interest too when they talked about titan, which is actually interesting despite their non-stop excitement, you all might get some extra privilege!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jean shook his head in amusement when he thought about it, you were the only one (except maybe Moblit — oh, Moblit, you missed that man) that could listen to Hange rambling about how magnificent titan was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mikasa and Armin only showed soft smiles for seeing your antics, while Connie just stayed silent and scratched his now (slightly) longer hair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright you suicidal girlfriend, go on then." Jean playfully insulted you, making you snort for it had been months since the last time you heard that nickname. "Just don't move around too much, walk like a proper lady."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bruh, even Historia walked like she stomped the ground anywhere she went." You rolled your eyes before settling your hand on the door's handle. "And she </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> the queen."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jean snickered from your words before laying his back on the soft cushion. Somehow feeling at ease that the tension from before was now slowly replaced with a relaxed atmosphere. You hummed softly before opening up the door, now ready to search for Hange.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hopefully, this plan will work out. Hopefully, he could open up to you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright, see you—"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Be careful, okay?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You jolted, slightly taken aback when Connie cut you off. Something was lingering there as he spoke, as if he knew something that you didn't know. It was like a warning, telling you not to let your guard down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"My, my, Connie." You let out a soft chuckle and take a peek from your shoulder to look at your friends once more. "This is just Eren, he wouldn't do anything to me." Assurance, always tried to make everyone around you felt better. And you could see from the corner of your eyes that Connie's shoulders started to relax.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gripping the handle a little bit tighter, you sighed before dazzling them with a wide smile. "Okay, see you guys later. Love you all!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your ears didn't find any answers from them. But the snort that you heard, and the little chuckle and a visible smile on their faces were enough for you to close the door behind with a soft click. Now you were ready.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>〄</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once you left, the room was once again engulfed with silence. An impatient sigh slipped from Jean as he peered at the clock wall once again. It had been around an hour after you left. With how long you have been out, they were all sure that somehow you could get a </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes</span>
  </em>
  <span> from Commander Hange.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though, he could not remember how it came to </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. At first, they were all just talking about the war, the infiltration in Marley, or what Commander Pyxis thought about the plan. They were all sharing what they thought, everything was civil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until Connie asked, with terror in his eyes, whether Eren who was now locked behind the bar, was the same person that they all used to know. Jean knew that he should have kept his mouth shut, he should not have argued back to Mikasa.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he was desperate, he wanted her to see the truth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That must be because he trusts us!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yet he knew, no matter how much Eren would stray into the darkness, even though sometimes there were times when she doubted, she would follow that man. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just like you, sadly, just like you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But you were so much more in another level of faith.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both you and Mikasa put Eren on a pedestal. You were like his worshipper, giving your heart completely to the man with emerald eyes as if he was God. Praises would be sung, and no matter how your mind was a lot more rational than the ravenette woman, you would still believe him as the most devoted follower. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Mikasa saw him as a saviour, extending his hand to her so she could keep on living. She believed that without him, she would have died a long time ago. To know that a man like Eren Yeager had not one but two powerful people who would gladly do anything for him, made Jean's blood boil.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mikasa," Connie whispered out, finally turning to face them all again. Even though Jean currently had his head hanging low, somehow he could see the terror in his friend's eyes. "What do you think Eren did when Sasha died? What do you think he did when he saw (Y/n)'s unconscious body with blood all over her torso?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mikasa was lost, it was as if she wanted to plug her ears so she could not hear what came next. "Do you think he cried? Do you think he was frustrated?" His voice was stable, yet everyone could hear the sorrow coated in his words. "He didn't even panic when he saw his goddamn lover with a weak pulse!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Connie, stop it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That bastard laugh, Mikasa! That bastard you called family dared to laugh when Sasha died!" And now the dam has broken. "I wonder what he found so funny. Which part of Sasha's death?" The water had flooded their mind, the truth once again made them question their comrades.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Connie did not want to break you even more, holding back his question before when you were there. And on top of that, he knew that somehow you could make them believe in Eren with how smooth you were with words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could see how you would stand up and hug him, he could hear your whisper of how Eren's laugh was something out of grief, maybe because that man remembering something beautiful from the past that made him mad at the universe. He knew that you would do anything to make sure they all still believed in Eren without force. Just by your words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe that was the reason why Connie spoke up now. Because he knew that Mikasa could never answer his question, so he could have someone to blame, so his selfish mind could at least unleash his frustration on someone else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Tell me, Mikasa." He continued, needing to release his sadness away by anger. "You know everything about Eren, right?" An answer would never slip from the woman, so he pushed, again and again. "Why did he laugh over Sasha's death? Why was he not even afraid that his girlfriend could be dead too?!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Knock knock.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Connie gasped for air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leaned his back to the window, hands slowly went up to his head, nails scratching on his scalp as he tried to compose himself. No one knew who that was. And they immediately straightened up their posture as they waited for their guest to come in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If it was you, you would just open up the door with a bang, as childish as you could get. They would see a smile and excitement beaming from you as you gushed at how glad you were to have a chance to talk with your lover. Your friends could see it all, knowing how predictable you were sometimes, especially when it came to Eren Yeager.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But they surely did not expect Commander Hange themselves to be the one behind the door. Jean, Mikasa, and Armin immediately stood up. Connie walked toward Jean before they were altogether given the </span>
  <em>
    <span>surprisingly</span>
  </em>
  <span> quiet commander a perfect salute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"At ease."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was scary. They all just got back from a traumatic infiltration with how their closest comrades died in the battle. The Commanders themselves gave them some time to relax, telling them that the report and meeting would be held tomorrow instead of right after their return.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So now, they were all questioning the same thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why would Commander Hange have an expression that they would only show when the situation was </span>
  <em>
    <span>deadly</span>
  </em>
  <span> serious?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Armin's brain never stopped working, he tried to understand the situation by scrutinizing every detail that he could find from the veteran scout. Hange's body was still, lips shaped into a thin line as their eyes fell into the air. They didn't look at any of them, eyes empty as if they were trying to drain any kind of emotion out from their heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"This would be hard for all of you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the first sentence that they said after a long pause. Breathe in, breathe out, blue eyes that belonged to Armin now could see the sweat and the tremble on Hange's hand. He could only swallow a huge lump as he waited for further information. "I shouldn't have let—"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The commander cleared their throat when realisation dawned upon them that they almost broke down in front of those who deserved to know the truth. Fast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone was now alarmed with how vulnerable their commander was standing in front of them. Hange that was never let anyone control their fear and emotion, now completely ruined with whatever guilt that seeping inside their mind. Everyone thought the same thing. "I am sorry."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were broken.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mikasa was now agitated. She wanted to push them for just spitting out the information. All she ever wanted was just rest, and with how the commander had something that they needed to share, somehow she doubted that she could get any rest soon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"(Y/n)'s dead."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And now, she was sure that she could not even get any rest at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I found her body already slumped on the ground."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was screaming, a massive headache struck her as if it would split her head into two. Armin tried to calm her down, but it was no use with how panic his voice sounded right now, not even including the hiccup and sob that followed after as he finally processed the information.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Connie laughed like a maniac, thinking it was a joke. Now maybe he knew why Eren laughed when he heard Sasha's death. This was too painful to understand, too much to be taken in one night after everything that happened just a few hours ago.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then there was Jean, who only had his legs wobbled a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Where?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jean was the only one who dared to ask, who was still collected enough to push all the truth on the table. "Commander Hange, with all due respect. I needed to know. </span>
  <em>
    <span>We</span>
  </em>
  <span> needed to know." Even in between all the sobs and agonizing screams, the two scouts stared at each other with an unreadable expression on both of their faces.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Commander Hange," He called out again, "Where did you find her?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Four pairs of eyes immediately flee toward the brown-haired scout.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They all indeed — needed to know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Eren's cell."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone gasped, simultaneously. And they thought about the same thing, they were sure that someone tried to kill Eren and you were caught in between. They already had their eyes blazing with fire, ready to hunt down whoever dared to steal your life away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe a Marleyan, yes, or maybe some random soldier who had seen so many deaths on the infiltration that made them mad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the world was just as cruel as it was already.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They could only wish it were that simple.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And there was no sign of someone breaking in."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Devoted Worshipper</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>From all the choices that they executed, either it would end up good or bad, they took full responsibilities for the outcome.</p><p>They just wished they were not wrong in this one.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You hummed softly as your feet dragged you towards the Commander's office. The hallway was quiet, yellow hue from the candles illuminated your pathway. Some of the rooms were occupied, you knew from the laughter that could be heard here and there. Soldiers cheering and sharing drinks without any weight on their shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it made you feel a little bit melancholic as you thought about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you dragged your friends to lounge around together, you wanted to feel the same warmth and comfort that was usually there when everyone huddled together. Even though you knew that it would never be the same anymore with one of you being </span>
  <em>
    <span>taken</span>
  </em>
  <span> on the battlefield, you still hoped that they would have each other to rely on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet the atmosphere was tense. Sometimes overlapping the sorrow that coated their hearts. Maybe that was the coping mechanism, to forget about the pain, they all used anger, trying to point their finger to where it all went wrong, searching for the root of this havoc.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You knew that Sasha's death hit Connie harder than anyone. Yes, everyone had their individual bonds with the gluttonous woman, but there was something that differentiated his relationship with her. There were only two kinds of bonds that could emit such emotional turmoil; twins, and romantic love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they were like family, no, twins — and to lose a part of your soul would make anyone else gone mad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Letting out a sigh, you tried to focus on your breathing. The door that led to Hange's office was within your eyesight already, you had your own job right now, your own mission. And that was to meet with your lover who, right now, people wouldn't dare to spend some time alone with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You remembered the day it all changed, where the most expressive person you ever knew suddenly closed his heart from the world. It was just a simple touch, lips grazing the back of </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> hand, and suddenly, the look on his face that day was the last fiery emotion which you ever saw coming from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was distant, no, detached. It was as if he had his own world, as if he knew something that no one else could ever understand. You tried to ask him, to share whatever inside his mind, to share his burden. But every time you asked, he would just stare at you, with emerald eyes filled with one emotion that you could never understand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not love, not some affection. There was no sadness indeed, no tears glistening in those beautiful orbs. He just looked at you with something that you could not fathom. Though, amidst all the cold shoulder that you got from him, you were still standing right by his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like a devoted worshipper, following him to anywhere he goes, without even questioning where and why.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You were Eren's shield, some even said more faithful than Mikasa herself. There was no doubt in your eyes, whatever happened, no matter how many innocent souls were now in his hands, there wasn’t a single time you ever asked the universe why he did all of that. Not even for a second, you didn't need a reason to believe him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone always questioned your feelings for said titan shifter since the beginning, when all of you were just wannabe soldiers in the training corps. There was no way you saw him as only a friend with how you always had this smile on your face when his name was mentioned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then one day when they saw his lips lingering on your forehead before they were all dispersed to defend Trost, they knew you would bind yourself to that man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they were right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was no secret already that you might be the most neutral in between all of them, but they knew who had you crawling to at the end of the day. Eren Yeager, no one else but him. He was your ultimate reason, the love of your life, the man who owned </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> of your heart; you didn't leave anything for yourself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But you didn't even care about that, knowing your heart was placed on the right man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"(Y/n)?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You jolted when you saw the door opened, gaze trailed up to find your Commander staring at you with questioned eyes. Lost in your thoughts, you did not realise that you had been standing in front of Hange's office for perhaps a few minutes now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Commander Hange!" A perfect salute coming from you, making them chuckle at how enthusiastic you acted even in this darkest hour. You could see the bag under their eyes, brown locks dishevelled as some of the strands were all over the place. This fact alone made you frown. "You should get some rest, Hange."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your voice changed completely, there was no smile etched on your face, and they knew how serious you were as you blurted out the words. "I mean it, as a friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They bit their lips, eyes closing shut as they tried to control the storm in their head. After a few seconds, they moved away slightly from the door to give you space, hands retracted to the side as they told you to come in, stopping whatever they were supposed to do right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your lips curled into a small smile as you knew that Hange would take your advice. Even though it was just temporary, perhaps a little rest was better than nothing at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding your head, you walked inside the office and stopped not too far from the door. Waiting for their instruction to where to sit, your gaze fleeting around the space that was more modern than their old office in the previous Headquarters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It used to be so dim, only one light illuminating the whole room. You remembered how many times you stumbled over the items that were cluttering around the lab that they forgot to pick up. Now the lights were clearer, positioned on each side of the wall, resulting in all the corners shining with the yellow hue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, there was a massive bookshelf near the desk, not even one book was missing, everything was filled as you took it as a sign that the commander had been working on papers nonstop, not once loosening up to enjoy the victory over the attack on Marley.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You could sit on the couch, or the chair, it's up to you, really."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange's voice sounded calmer now as they closed the door and walked back behind their desk before they plopped themselves on the big cushioned chair. You followed the gesture and sat across from them, deciding that it was better to be eye to eye if you were going to talk with them later on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their fingers running down their messy strands before pulling the hair tie to free it from the upcoming headache that already threatened to come. "Damn it, I am so tired."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made you chuckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I understand, Hange. And it's alright to feel tired, you are human after all." Not a normal human like the rest of the world, but the needs and stamina were still the same, whether you were an Eldian or people outside Paradis. The brunette smiled a little at your words and stood up to prepare a drink, grabbing two porcelain cups as they poured two teaspoons of dark powder on each cup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I take it you are okay with coffee, am I wrong?" They smirked a little as they turned to see you with a smile beamed on your face. "Awh, you are welcome, my dear~"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, Hange, you know how much I love that drink."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn't take long for them to prepare the drink. They had this big bottle that could hold hot water to stay boiled after a few hours. God, you thanked Niccolo for introducing that item to all of you. Speaking of the blonde man, you frowned a little as you wondered if he received the news about Sasha's death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You wanted to go and deliver the information itself, but you knew with your condition right now that everyone would want you to rest until you get better. Connie, Niccolo, Sasha's family, you couldn't imagine the pain that they felt to lose someone that you loved so much with all of your heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And you couldn't help but think how much it would hurt if Eren was gone from this world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here you go, (Y/n)," Hange spoke softly as they pushed the coffee cup in your line of vision. "Careful, it's still hot." They came at the right time, you didn't even realise the sweat on your forehead started to form due to the panic inside your head. You really did not want to think about </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it was too much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You retrieved the coffee gently before settling it on your lap, palms feeling the warmth from the hot liquid as you rest one of your hands at the side of the cup. The air was cold, and for you, the porcelain worked wonders to make it to be touchable enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of you were engulfed by comfortable silence. Your nose crinkled softly when the scent of the coffee lingered in the room. Ah, coffee, that magical drink from Marley. You cursed a little at your ancestor when you first tasted the new beverage, saying how it's not fair that it took you a dozen years to know such a thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You can drink it anytime you want now."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eren smiled softly at your reaction and whispered that to you after a few seconds of watching your reaction. You didn't know what was inside his mind at that time, but his words were enough to make your heart flutter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was rare for him to show any interest or excitement, so you cherished all the fragments of his old self and carved it deep inside your mind. You loved the smell of coffee, because it reminded you of the world outside the wall, and it reminded you of a promise that once made.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eren would lead you to your freedom, not with you as a follower, but with you to walk alongside him as he retrieved the rights that were taken away from all humans in Paradis.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, Eren, the reminiscent was enough to snap you back. You were here for a reason, and that was to meet him, to spend time with him. No. You were there to dig some information from your lover's mind. It was for the sake of your friends, to make them feel better and feel more at peace rather than just standing in the dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all, you didn't need to know his reason. You were satisfied enough to fight and walk alongside him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now, what is it that you wanted to ask me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You jolted when you heard Hange throw the question as if you were just having a conversation about the weather, making the cup in front of your lips falter a little as you looked at them with shock. Catching you off guard like that was amusing to them. "What? You don't think I couldn't read you like an open book?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange was harmless, at least to you. They said that not because they wanted to intimidate you, but more into wanting to prove to themselves how much they knew you. Everything was shown in their face, from the glint in their eyes to a snicker that slipped from their lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let out a sigh before slipping down the cup of coffee back to your lap. They waited, understanding that you were slightly embarrassed with how much they could read you. Maybe you forgot, but they were the ones who </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked</span>
  </em>
  <span> Erwin to make you a part of their squad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no one else that could tolerate Eren Yeager without him tolerating them enough. Eren actually listened to you, thoughtful of your decision and thinking about all of your scolds. Eren didn't listen to anyone, not even the Commander sometimes. If he didn't want to listen then he wouldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But you were the only creature that, whatever you said, he would always take consideration of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Starting from that benefit, Hange was now attached to you. They adored your strong will, how you would put your life over anyone (especially Eren) but yet still had a clear mind over it. You were fast, not as powerful as Mikasa, but you could think straight and strategize.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they were hooked, they were proud to be the superior who knew you. Not even the Commander could understand the way you were thinking sometimes, but it was his loss anyway. Since he saw you as an asset for Eren instead of seeing you as a sole soldier who stood for herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I need to speak with Eren." You were not done yet. "Alone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room was silent once again as they mulled over your words. They were sure it was not a request, but more as a demand. They chuckled internally to see you like this, intimidating, trying to get to your goal with a simple command.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And what makes you think that I would let you?" They didn't want to prolong this, but they needed to know further why you wanted to see him. Truthfully, Hange was going to go to check on Eren before. But you came and told them to rest, funny how now you were the one who asked to talk to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were afraid for you, that man was not the same as he was a few years ago. Everything changed after they reclaimed Shiganshina. And to let you talk with him without no one else guarding you, that tasted like a recipe for disaster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You would let me." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ha, cocky as ever when the time needed.</span>
  </em>
  <span> "You know I could take down a lot of men and titan single-handedly, you know Eren would never lay a finger on me with the purpose to hurt me." Your voice was loud and clear, completely turning you into a soldier. "There is no downside to it. And if you think I would let him escape, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> should know that I could do it anytime I want."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You had a point, that was what they knew. There was no malicious intent on your voice, just a need to talk to an old friend, to your lover. Even if you were sitting there in front of them with a serious facade, desperation was shown inside your eyes with how much you longed to have some alone time with the man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They put down the cup of coffee on their table, sighing as they thought about what was the right thing. It was their call after all. You were someone who would do anything for Eren, but at the same time, you were a soldier, a good one that always followed the rules.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But to what extent would you stay to be a good soldier? If one day a condition caused the Survey Corps to be on the opposite side from Eren, where would you stand?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, you were loyal — to either the Survey Corps or Eren. At least right now it was like that, and they just had to believe you in this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright." Your lips twitched at their answer, you must be so excited, and that made them softened a little. "You can just take down this soldier's side of yours, (Y/n). Just be a friend now, I hear your </span>
  <em>
    <span>request</span>
  </em>
  <span> loud and clear."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You nodded a little, still having your stoic, serious expression on your face. It wouldn't be long though, they were sure of that. One, two, three—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, Hange!" You wailed, setting the cup on the wooden table before you stood up and walked behind the desk, wanting to embrace them. "You don't know how much I miss him, I wanted to tackle him and just wrap my hands around him in the airship before."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The brunette chuckled when you finally fell to their chest, hugging them so tightly as you were clutching their uniform. "It's been months, Hange, thank you. Thank you so much."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, dear." They awkwardly patted your back, chuckling at your reaction. "I know, you are craving for him, I know." Everyone could see it, your love for Eren was something that couldn't be hidden from the world. Even Yelena and the others knew from one look at you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You stayed there for a few seconds, calming yourself down from the enthusiasm that was bubbling up. You didn't want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>scare </span>
  </em>
  <span>off your lover with your sudden embrace or nonstop kisses. So you had to compose yourself by pouring some of the affection to someone that you trusted was enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I mean it, thank you, Hange." You pulled away, though still had your hands on their arms as you squeezed it gently. The way you looked at them was so ethereal, comforting, and shone with what they believed as love. "Can I go now, then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, of course."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange gave you one last smile before pulling themselves away from you too. "I actually just pulled something that wouldn't be approved by Zackly. So, is half an hour enough for you?" They actually did not want to give you a time limit, but it would be bad if someone else found you in the cell with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>criminal</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, of course." They let out a sigh of relief when they heard your answer. "I understand, Hange. As much as I love to spend time with Eren, I know that this meeting alone could jeopardize your position." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Goodness, always so understanding, Eren sure is lucky.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, here." A dangling sound filled the room as they fetched the keys from their pocket. Your eyes widened at the sight of the silver metal, palms up as they dropped the key on your hands. "Make sure you didn't forget to lock—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Y-You’ll let me go inside?" If you looked so delighted before, now you looked like you could burst as you tried to process the meaning behind the given keys.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One solid nod from the commander, and that's all it took for your tears to slip down your cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You took a few steps back before giving them a salute, one that they answered back because of how much respect they had for you too. It had been years since they knew you, and it made them tear up a little with how much you had grown, yet still the same </span>
  <em>
    <span>naive</span>
  </em>
  <span> girl they saw that day in the training corps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As you walked away to the door, they looked at you with fondness in their eyes. The brunette saw you as a close friend, like a sister they never had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was their call, they knew this was the best. For you to meet the love that you longed for, you deserved to feel such comfort in this hellish world. And to know that they could make you feel this happy, they felt like the best sibling in the world for giving such joy in your life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even when they heard a click from the door, a sign that you were on your way down the cell, their smiles never faltered. Shaking their head softly at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>puppy </span>
  </em>
  <span>love that showed as you bounced around with giddiness, they immersed themselves on the papers once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Little did they know that this decision would haunt them until they took their last breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>〄</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is tiresome."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange yawned and stretched their limbs as they tossed down the last report that they had to finish. They really needed to take your advice and get more rest. Ah, you, now they just realised how much time had passed after the last time they saw you from before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their eyes fleeting to the clock on the wall, raising one of their eyebrows when they realised it was already forty-five minutes since you left.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I need to check on her,</span>
  </em>
  <span> they thought. Even if they believed that you would not let anyone harm you in any way, they still needed to get you to rest. After all, you were still wounded, and they didn’t want one of their best soldiers to tire herself more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stretching their limbs to the side, cracking their neck and hearing the pop here and there, now they were satisfied. Standing up to embark on their little journey, their eyes flickered to the empty cup of coffee that belonged to you. It was so clean, you even drank the harsh powder that lingered at the bottom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You did really love coffee, they couldn’t help but wanted to surprise you that they had a new type from Yelena tomorrow morning. Hange could imagine you screaming already and drinking a lot with them. A little piece of heaven indeed, talking with a friend without thinking of their burden, maybe it was enough for them right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuckling softly, the brunette locked the door to their office before strolling down the empty hallway, wanting to have a chat with you before closing the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was late at night, the rest of the scouts were mostly asleep or drinking their hearts out, celebrating the first win of the Island of Paradis. Thinking about war made their shoulders slump, they were already tired and just wanted everything to end. But they just had to suck it up, holding onto the hope that it would end soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no one else in sight as they walked, the one who accompanied them was just the yellow flame and their own mind. Now they wondered what kind of talk that you had with your lover. Even if Eren was now just an emotionless human being, they thought that he would still be the same around you. Still as loving, even though more careful with the amount of affection that he gave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone who had eyes could see how devoted you were to the man, no matter how many times he was always preoccupied with himself, falling deep into his own spiraling mind, no more acknowledging your existence who was always by his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armin and Jean would often call you up to join the rest of them to town or just to have fun. But you </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>stayed seated, resting your head on his shoulder as you try to give comfort to the man that you gave your heart to. Typical you, prioritizing his needs over your own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air changed all of a sudden as their feet finally reached the first rung that would lead them to the basement. It was so humid, and they really think you were such a saint by staying here for almost an hour without complaining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Love really made people do something crazy, to the extent that their own comfort did not matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no sound of arguing that could be heard, which was good. It was so silent, and somehow they wanted to just turn back around. Inside their mind, they could see you curled up on the hard bed with Eren’s arms draped around your figure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just by thinking of that, they couldn’t hide the smile that emerged on their face at this point. What a youth, filled with love and comfort, something that not everyone could find inside a life of a soldier. Yet there you were, making the love that you had to be a reason to stay strong, to keep on living.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange made a decision, that if you were indeed safe and sound on your lover’s embrace, then they would let you two be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when their feet stopped right in front of the cell, their light brown pupils dilated in horror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air was humid, suffocating, and their chest felt so constricted within these walls. They were not even inside, yet by just standing there right now, they couldn’t help but want to puke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside, they could see how Eren faced the mirror on the wall, his hands gripping tight to the silver sink that filled with water. There was nothing that could be emitted from his expression, not even a single emotion could be seen inside his emerald eyes that was always praised by you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And as their gaze finally dared to look at the shadow in their peripheral vision, they could feel their heart stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the back of the room, your body slumped on the dirty wall — idle, lifeless. Hange gasped, hands stumbled as they opened the cell and rushed to your side. Their fingers immediately went to your bruised neck to check on your pulse on instinct.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They found nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not even a beat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Eren, what did you do?" Their eyes never left your figure, gaze fleeting toward your orbs that were now empty. They choked, swallowing a huge lump before resting their ear on your torso, hoping that they could hear your heartbeat. But they were met with the same void. "Eren, what did you do?!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hange bit their lips, fetching the keys in your palm, they carefully hoisting your body as they managed to not cry, but they couldn't hold their sob as they realised they lost yet another good soldier, a good friend. If Eren could not give them an answer, they were the ones who were going to find it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If only, God, if only they didn’t let you meet up with Eren.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You would probably go back to your friends, easing their pain with your comforting words. You would wake up tomorrow morning and walk to their office, sharing a cup of coffee together before they gave you a briefing for what the scouts would do for the whole day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it was not possible, it was no longer possible. They should have known it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, they refused to give up now. Gritting their teeth, they still didn’t want to believe that you were gone for real. They didn't care anymore if they were out of their mind, their free hand immediately closed and locked the cell harshly, needing to see the doctor, a paramedic that was around. Holding on to a hopeless dream that maybe you could be saved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What could they say to your friends? That you died because of how they let you meet a deadly criminal, the same person that also had your heart on his palms? Hange was not sure that the man was the one who was responsible for your death, but there was no one else around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And those bruises, red hue smearing your neck like a vice-grip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shook their head, not wanting to think about it for now as they tried to lift you up. They needed to get you upstairs, calling out the paramedic that was probably sleeping right now, needing them to save you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When their feet made contact with the first stairs, they could hear a mutter from the cell which belonged to your lover. It was only a few words, and yet with how low his voice was, lingered with nothing but a glimpse of despair — it sent a shiver down their spine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I gave her freedom."</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you to those who left comment and kudos! Thanks to everyone who read it too! Each word from you was a boost to me, hope you guys are having a good day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. No God Made A Sin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He cursed the day he kissed her hand. When everything appeared in his mind like an endless nightmare. He could never see you as he used to after that, giving you the cold shoulder that you not deserve.</p>
<p>Yet he did it anyway, and he wondered why you still looked at him the same.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A small, bitter chuckle slipped from his lips.</p>
<p>He was relieved. Eren Yeager had never felt this relief over nineteen years of his life.</p>
<p>A few minutes had passed since the time you were supposed to be here. He won, he could alter the future by changing some of his actions. Yes, it made you get shot before as you left since he gave you a cold shoulder in the airship, but at least that means you were not going to be here.</p>
<p>He was certain your friends would be extra protective over you with the wound you had right now. A little more to the right and you would end up like Sasha. The reminder alone was enough to make him shudder. Yes, he could keep you from death as long as you were not here, and he cursed himself for not trying to do the same with Sasha.</p>
<p>But there was only so much that a man could change.</p>
<p>He didn't know what would happen if he altered the event too much. Right now, he was aiming for something bigger, a future where he did not have to do evil things such as crashing the whole world to the ground.</p>
<p>And if <em> this </em> worked, if you were really not going to be here, maybe he would be given a chance for redemption after all.</p>
<p>Maybe from this — by being <em> blessed </em> with seeing how the world would unfurl — he could change the future that was supposed to be so doomed.</p>
<p>Now, an hour has passed. He was sure you were not going to meet him tonight, hopefully never again if that was even possible. If that means his attitude would make you afraid of him from now on, that was the price he was willing to pay. </p>
<p>At least you survived, at least you were going to be alive somewhere up there with the rest of his comrades.</p>
<p>Soon, everything would be over. And you were going to be happy living with someone else. He could see how a certain ash-brown haired scout always gave you a gaze full of affection, and he wished, in a future that was stretched out of reach for him and far from his vision, you would live a happy life.</p>
<p>He wouldn't have to see you cry if somehow he was the one who would say the first goodbye. He wouldn't have to endure the pain of leaving someone behind, he knew how it felt when someone you loved was taken away from you, and he didn't want you to endure such pain.</p>
<p>Yet at the same time, he didn't know if he could bear the fact to be left behind by you.</p>
<p>Ever since he saw the emptiness inside your eyes when he kissed Historia's hand, he could never erase that particular memory out of his mind. You still talked to him, resting your head on his shoulder, running your fingers on his brown hair, planting small kisses on his forehead — oh how he wondered what would you do if only you <em>knew.</em></p>
<p>There were times when he wanted to give in, to confess his sin every time you asked him to share his burden with you. Maybe you would leave, if you knew what would happen in the future, you were going to scramble away from him, look at him as if he were a monster, just like how a lot of people saw him.</p>
<p>But he was so <em> fucking </em> selfish.</p>
<p>Even if he knew what would happen if you stayed with him, he still longed for you. To see you pinching Mikasa's cheek affectionately, one that made the ravenette drilling hole in your head despite how she never refused the gesture anyway. </p>
<p>To hear you encouraging Sasha and Connie as they tried to pull a prank on the headquarters, that mostly resulted in the three of you getting scolded by Captain Levi. There were lots of memories that perhaps wouldn't happen if only he confessed his sin to you.</p>
<p>And up until now, he still asked himself if there was another way to get through this hell called earth.</p>
<p>Without some sacrifices, without losing you and his friends.</p>
<p>"I hate the fact you always end up in a prison somehow."</p>
<p>His emerald pupils widened for a second when he heard the familiar voice. Even his reflection looked at him with horror. No, <em> no.</em> You were not supposed to be here, he was not supposed to hear your voice that he craved so much.</p>
<p>"Love, are you running out of clean shirts? Should I fetch one for you?"</p>
<p>The sentences, he had heard it all before. Haunting him for so many years even when he laid next to you every night. Maybe he just needed to keep his mouth shut. If he didn't say anything, you would get bored and leave. "Goodness Eren, you could at least make your bed!"</p>
<p>"Shut up."</p>
<p>He couldn't, he couldn't hear it anymore. It was too much.</p>
<p>"Huh? What do you mean shut up?" </p>
<p>Why, why was there no fear in your intonation?</p>
<p>"I knew you were stupid, but not this stupid."</p>
<p>His gaze never left the mirror in front of him. He didn't dare to turn his head and find you there at the other side of the bars, he could not let the future he saw become a reality. "Leave. I don't want to see you right now."</p>
<p>"Hm, don't want to."</p>
<p>He was flabbergasted at your answer. You were supposed to be understanding, agree with whatever he said without questioning him even further. He expected you to turn around and never come back. But rather than hearing your footsteps echo through the wall, he heard the jangling of the key instead.</p>
<p>You were here. Not just standing outside like a dumb visitor, you were here inside the cell with him as if the man in this same room as you right now was not someone who just literally committed genocide to a whole town.</p>
<p>He heard a small hum coming from your lips and some rustles of sheets being made. You really made his bed — the cold, hard, uncomfortable mattress for a criminal, treating him like he was a kind man, maybe even a God with how much you had done in your life while singing his hymn.</p>
<p>For you to fight, you fight for Eren.</p>
<p>For you to kill, you kill for Eren.</p>
<p>For you to live, you live for Eren.</p>
<p>His breath was laboured right now, every step that you took felt like a reminder that at the end, he was the one who would be responsible for whatever was going to happen next. But then again, he couldn't find it, the reason. You have been here for a while and yet he could not find the reason why he did <em>that </em>in his vision.</p>
<p>Maybe he could change the future, after all, he could only count on high hopes at this moment, deciding to stay put in his place as he stared back to his own reflection. Then he felt warm, engulfing him completely as you stood right beside him. He could see you peering at his face from the corner of his eyes, beady orbs looked at him with the same kind of love.</p>
<p>“You still looked as handsome as ever, Eren. You don’t need to look at the mirror with that flame in your eyes!” You joked, who in the right mind would tease a man who had thousands of blood on his hand? The answer, you. The one and only. “You look at it as if it is so ugly you despise it.” But he despised it indeed, he despised the man who he saw in the mirror.</p>
<p>He let out a sigh, shaking his head at your antics. It was surprising how devoted you were to him, you were no one but a stranger at first. But the way you cared for him, he craved for it too, since you didn’t make him feel suffocated, didn’t make him feel weak. No. Instead, he felt how it feels to be loved purely by heart.</p>
<p>Eren did not save you from kidnappers like how he did to Mikasa, he did not save you from bullies like how he did to Armin either. But you somehow looked at him as if he was God, a purpose to live, without him needing to do anything at first.</p>
<p>You were not possessive, you just — loved him. Scolding him when he was too much of an ass, helping him get through the training for three years in the cadet corps, showing the same excitement like Armin did when the talk of the outside world was brought up. Even though you loved him, you didn’t make him feel like he needed to run away.</p>
<p>Maybe that was why he sought your company, the reason why with time, he was head over heels for you too.</p>
<p>"Eren?"</p>
<p>You called out, one hand resting on his naked back. Your fingers that were calloused going up and down to soothe him, urging him to take a deep breath. Yes, you were here for <em>him.</em> He wouldn't have to do such a thing as what his vision told him to.</p>
<p>"Hey."</p>
<p>There it was, a simple greeting. You looked at him with awe, your eyes gleaming with excitement as he finally turned his face to take a proper look at you. You looked so radiant, even if you were just bathed with a yellow hue from the torch on the wall.</p>
<p>Through his eyes, you were so adorable. Yes, you sure were beautiful before, but when he gazed at you, when he gave you the attention that you craved for — it was as if you have been blessed by God.</p>
<p>Your smile met your eyes, those orbs suddenly glimmering with tears. It had been so long, to find his eyes fell upon your face. And he felt so bad that you needed to wait for years, for him to be brave enough facing you without being afraid of what could happen.</p>
<p>"I missed you so much, Eren."</p>
<p>You didn't wait for him to open up his arms as you jumped into him. It was like you knew that he wouldn't push you away, as if you could predict his movement after being given such a gesture from you.</p>
<p>His arms engulfed you in an instant, reciprocating the way you wrapped your hands giddily around his neck. It had been so long indeed, and he just wanted to cry at this moment. He buried his face at the crook of your neck, inhaling the scent that could make him feel so much better.</p>
<p>In your arms, it feels like he was home. Your existence was enough to make him feel like a child whose task was just going home before night and running an errand to buy groceries. Now he knew why he felt so empty for the last few years.</p>
<p>It was because he always pushed you away.</p>
<p>Because he neglected the home that he was supposed to come back to.</p>
<p>"I missed you so much too."</p>
<p>And just tonight, even if it was just a few minutes, he wanted to cherish how it felt to have you in his arms once again.</p>
<p>〄</p>
<p>He never felt comfort like this for a long time. Snuggling close to your body, taking a deep breath as he memorized your scent — he wished he had more time with you than half an hour.</p>
<p>"Hm, how many minutes have passed?"</p>
<p>He asked groggily, emitting a chuckle from your lips at how cute he sounded just now.</p>
<p>"I think twenty? Twenty-five?"</p>
<p>"What? No. I am sure it was just five minutes."</p>
<p>You laughed at how he scrunched his forehead, lips turned into a scowl as he realised that the time was almost up. He was pouting, Eren Yeager was pouting like a kid who was scolded by his parents.</p>
<p>Absent-mindedly, you raised one of your hands to cup his cheek, thumb grazing softly on his skin. Eren was a gift that God bestowed upon you, or maybe he was a God himself with how gorgeous he was. He and his emerald eyes, mesmerized you as his gaze flickered to your orbs.</p>
<p>And then down to your lips.</p>
<p>His fingers slipped in between the strands of your hair as his gaze flew back to your eyes, never broke the eye contact that you two shared after that. He grasped your hair softly, just enough to secure your position, but not too harsh that it could hurt.</p>
<p>"Eren."</p>
<p>You whispered his name like a prayer as he started to lean in, closer and closer, wanting to erase the gap that separated you and him. He didn't need to ask, he knew from the way you parted your lips, you wanted him to do it.</p>
<p>Then who was he to ignore such a request from his lover?</p>
<p>You closed his eyes, only for him to follow after. At this moment, it was as if the time had stopped, and the only thing that you could hear was just the beating of his heart resonating through the room.</p>
<p>He could feel your breath fanning his lips, reminding him that this would be the first kiss that you two shared after months without physical contact. And truthfully, he couldn't wait to taste your lips anymore.</p>
<p>Grasping your hair a little bit tighter, he finally captured your lips.</p>
<p>He saw it, all of the kisses that you two have shared. Each moment played in his mind as if to show him what was true happiness felt like. From the first accidental kiss as he slumped on your figure at hand-on-hand combat, to the first real kiss that sealed a promise at the battle of Trost.</p>
<p>It was so beautiful, each moment that happened. There was this one kiss after his fight with the female titan in Stohess, another after the scout took him back from Reiner and Bertolt's grasp, it was not much, but all the kisses had been planted in his mind to be remembered forever.</p>
<p>Everything was replaying as if he saw a record of his life. Over and over again like a broken record. Your tears stained cheek when you kissed him at Reiss Chapel, him asking for comfort through your lips after reclaiming Shiganshina, the drunk kisses in Marley, the last peck that he gave before he departed alone —</p>
<p>
  <em> "I am sorry." The ravenette cried, her cheek was filled with bruises and tears. "I am so sorry." Her blade was buried on someone's torso, deep enough to end their life, she just needed to move the edge from the body to finish it. But she stopped, she didn't have the courage to twist the edge, not yet. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Someone's cough, a small chuckle followed after as their breath started to get heavier for every second passed. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "It's alright, Mikasa." That voice was comforting, making the woman in front of them cried harder. "This was the path that I chose." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The sky was blue that day, rough wind blew their hair mercilessly, reminding them how they were far away from the ground right now. Ah, yes, they remembered now how everything leads up to this moment. They were here for some reason; to fight, to kill, and to keep on living. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But they did it all for him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You did it all for him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Why?" She choked out as her hands trembled. "Why did you stay with him? Look at what he did, look at how many lives he had taken." So, she had realised that. "How could you stay for him, (Y/n)?!" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Hm?" You hummed softly, realising that darkness slowly replacing the light in your vision. "What else, Mikasa?" Another chuckle, though halted with how you cough blood after that. "Because I love him." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Yes, as simple as that. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Your eyes fleeting pass her, watching how your old friends were fighting for their own life in the grasp of the ninth titan ancestors. They were here to kill, to stop your lover from finishing his mission. And there was nothing else that you could do. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You were already done for at this point, with how a single move could kill you in an instant, you knew that your time was up, there was nothing that you could change. Well, maybe except one. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Let me go, Mikasa." You whispered as you looked at her once again. "Pull the blade, let me fall." It was as if you were trying to save her from the regret and pain that would ensue knowing she was the one who took your life away. "It's okay, I promise." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> She was hesitating, her head whipped to the back since she could hear some heavy footsteps closing in. A titan or two was ready to attack her, and she needed to think fast at this point. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Mikasa, look at me." She bit her lips, yet immediately looked down at you from the command. "I am already proud of myself for staying by his side. I will be gone as a loyal partner." You pushed yourself to grab the blade, reminding her of the situation. "But you still need to live, you have to find a way to keep on fighting." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You wanted to say more, but there was not enough time and energy. The titans were close, everyone was fighting so hard to sway them away from your black-haired friend. But they couldn't hold those monsters much longer, Mikasa needed to decide now. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sucking a deep breath and ignoring the pain that filled your lungs, you screamed at her, snapping her for one last time. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Mikasa! Pull away the blade! Now!" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And she did. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The next second you were falling, your body hitting the head of the colossal titan, from one titan to another, slowing you down from the inevitable death that would follow after. Your eyes never left the blue sky that spread in your vision, securing it as the last thing that you saw. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You couldn't feel anything as your body landed on the ground. Too numb, too broken to feel any pain even though in reality, your body was already disorientated, gigantic feet stomping at your limbs. But you didn't cry out for help. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You just accepted it, as red replaced the blue, as flesh replaced the fresh air in the sky. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> A smile never left your tear-stained cheek. You didn't even realise that you cried. Yet one thing that you knew for sure, you didn't cry because of how it all turns out, you didn't cry because of the path that you chose, you didn't cry because you ended up dead under the titans that your lover activated. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But you cried because you have been wondering, if everything that you did was enough. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> For him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "Hey, Eren, have I been good enough for you?" </em>
</p>
<p>"Yes, you have." He couldn't breathe. "You have— You are good enough for me. You are even more than enough." It was too much to process, even more than that time he saw this moment unfurled in his vision.</p>
<p>Because back then, he didn't know what actually happened. He couldn't see the reason why he cried, he couldn't understand why he had his hand wrapped around your neck with one goal that he always hated.</p>
<p>To kill you.</p>
<p>But now his question was answered, now he knew why <em>he </em>in his vision decided to do such a thing to you.</p>
<p>"Love?" How could he face you now? "Oh, Eren, why are you crying?" You were so caring, thumb grazing on his cheek to erase all tears that never seemed to stop. "I promise I will give you lots of kisses later on too, okay?"</p>
<p>This made him snort, snapping him back to reality as he composed himself. He pulled away from you, sitting on the edge of the bed. So sudden he could even feel the pang in his heart for leaving such warmth. If he felt like this, he couldn't imagine how your heart ached from his gesture.</p>
<p>He contemplated, head hanging low as he stared at his two hands that were now trembling. You were going to die, slow and painful if he decided to keep you alive. Alone, disentangled, heavily wounded, and crushed by the sixty meters titan. He let out a bitter chuckle, knowing that whatever he did, you were going to die because of him.</p>
<p>"What can I do to make you leave me?"</p>
<p>It was so quiet, he couldn't even hear your breath after he threw the question. Eren waited for an answer, he wished you to say something, anything, he wanted to make sure that you were not going to follow him. He wanted you to be saved, for you not to feel such agonizing death.</p>
<p>But you just cleared your throat. He could hear you kicking the blanket that covered you before, muttering under your breath in frustration before jumping down the bed. Your action made him raise his eyebrows, wondering why you looked so angry, why you seemed disturbed with his question.</p>
<p>"(Y/n), answer—"</p>
<p>"Nothing!"</p>
<p>He was taken aback by your outburst. Now he was the one who could not see your expression with how you gave him your back instead. "Nothing, Eren. There's nothing that you could do." You walked to where you put your jacket, snatching it from the ground. "You could try anything, but I will stay. I will stay and side with you. Always."</p>
<p>He closed his eyes, searching for an answer inside his mind. From anyone that he knew, it must be you who had a painful death.</p>
<p>No, he couldn't let you die like that. You deserved a future, in a world where peace and freedom were finally within your reach, he wanted you to see that, go live through that, even though it was not with him. That was what he promised you after all, freedom.</p>
<p>"You hear me, Eren?" You exclaimed, slipping your jacket before turning your body to face him, gaze locked with his. "I am not going anywhere. Not even if you ask me to." Your voice softened by now. As if you didn't care that he looked at you with his cold, murderous eyes.</p>
<p>There was nothing that could make him change your mind, he should have known that. The way you spoke, the tone that you used, was enough to make him understand. That he couldn't ask you to leave, he couldn't threaten you to stay with the Survey Corps.</p>
<p>In the end, your death was something that couldn't be altered.</p>
<p>It was either later, or <em>now.</em></p>
<p>You gasped, body slammed to the brick wall behind you. Your feet flailing around, pupils widened with shock as you choked out. Huffing for air, he gripped your neck tighter, not giving you a chance to get more. <em> Not enough, tighter! </em>You looked so helpless for a second, panic struck your mind as you thrashed around.</p>
<p>But then your eyes met with his, and just like that, you stopped.</p>
<p>He didn't know what you were thinking. You just stared at him. Lips parted, trying to say something even though your oxygen was limited by now. He could see the colour draining from your face, little by little. And yet you kept on trying, pushing the words from your lips.</p>
<p>"I will—"</p>
<p>Your voice cracked, yet your eyes still held his gaze. With the same comfort look that he always found, with no fear in your orbs like how so many people looked at him.</p>
<p>"Devote my heart—"</p>
<p>He ignored how your right hand went up to your chest, balled into a fist as you gave him a sincere smile. A smile that was full of pride. As if living and fighting for him was something that you were proud of.</p>
<p>"To <em> you </em>."</p>
<p>It was a salute. That was what you gave him. You have become a good soldier, he knew that. Fighting alongside him to kill the enemies, staying by his side when everyone was afraid of him, still looking at him with the same love and kindness despite all things that he had done.</p>
<p>Up until now.</p>
<p>Up until now as the colour in your eyes was gone.</p>
<p>You still looked at him, as if he was God.</p>
<p>He choked out, now the one who gasped for air as his vision blurred with tears. The realisation hit him, gnawing his soul as slow as possible so he could taste the grief even more. He wanted to scream out when Sasha died. But now, knowing you were the one who died and because of him on top of that —</p>
<p>He wanted to rip his heart into pieces.</p>
<p>"I am sorry." He sobbed, releasing his grip on your neck before pulling you to his embrace. "I am sorry, I am such a coward. I am sorry." He couldn't, he couldn't see you die fighting for him. He couldn't see you get trampled by those titans that were supposed to give you freedom.</p>
<p>So this was the answer. Yes, that was it. It would be better for you to see freedom in another world. In a world without titans, without death trying to catch up with you anywhere you go, without someone that would die in a few years as your lover and comrades.</p>
<p>A chuckle slipped from his lips as his fingers tangled on your damp hair, smoothing it out softly as he kissed the side of your face, bidding farewell to someone who he knew would always be with him. Even if the body couldn't follow him anymore.</p>
<p>Closing his eyes, he smiled, remembering the day he met you. As darkness stretched through the horizon, and a full moon was the only thing that lit the world. You were flying around with your manoeuvre gear, practising even though it was late at night.</p>
<p>He was amazed at how you could even hear him walk towards you. The way you whipped your head to face him, a smile of relief tugged on your lips as you realised it was just another cadet, the soft look inside your eyes and how it shone brighter with the moon reflected your glossy orbs.</p>
<p>This was the choice that he knew he would regret <em>less.</em> For you to die without fear, with your typical gentle gaze that could melt everyone on sight. For you to be free, to reach whatever paradise that you would see after you took your last breath.</p>
<p>He could only wish that someday he would be with you again.</p>
<p>Letting you go, he stood up without faltering. His emerald orbs that you always adored now would be forever dull. Like a dark leaf that fell from its tree; it couldn't gleam anymore. His lips shaped into a thin line, staring at your lifeless body one last time before turning his back on you.</p>
<p>This moment was a turning point. Now he knew that he couldn’t change anything. He was tied to his vision, all the plans must be executed. And without you in this world, perhaps it would be so much easier for him to just look forward and finish his duty.</p>
<p>He didn't look back, dragging his feet to the sink before filling it with water. He fetched the hairband in his pocket, eyes never leaving the reflection that looked at him with red and tired eyes. <em> Just a little bit longer. </em> He washed his face, not bothering to wipe it with a cloth as he let the water drip down the sink.</p>
<p>
  <em> Just a little bit longer and you could go find her again. </em>
</p>
<p>Eren Yeager has given you your freedom.</p>
<p>Now, he just needed to grant freedom to the rest of the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Awooga! Thank you for all the kudos, the hits, THE COMMENT fdjsfkf I love comment so much it makes me feel closer to all of you! One more chapter and it will be done! Hope you guys enjoy reading it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. What Paradise Is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>No one ever knew why. No one could understand the reason behind your still comforting eyes even when the light was already gone from it.</p>
<p>And they wished they could meet you and ask.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You know, I can't help but thank Eren that he killed her that night."</p>
<p>Everyone was busy with themselves after Jean beat Reiner to a pulp. The rest of them who were still awake, circling the campfire, waiting for sleepiness to engulf them. But that sentence was enough to stop them from dozing off, some pairs of eyes decided to fall upon them instead.</p>
<p>Hange tried to be neutral all the time. They needed to be the mediator between the  Marleyans and the rest of the Survey Corps. After all, they needed each other if they wanted to stop the rumbling. Yet they couldn't help but speak up, they were human too after all.</p>
<p>"Huh?" It was Connie. "What do you mean by that, H-Hange-san?"</p>
<p>They just smiled softly as they looked down, watching their own reflection from the brown liquid in their hand. It was your favourite drink, coffee. Every sip would always be savoured as they imagined you sitting right in front of them.</p>
<p>"But we could use her strength. If she lived, she could help us to sway Eren." Armin spoke up, responding to their statement before. His blue eyes staring at the crackling fire, deep in his thoughts. "When we lost her, we lost seventy-five percent of the chance for winning this without having to harm Eren."</p>
<p>"You tell me that is the reason why he killed her?" The scowl on Connie's face hardened as he tried to connect the dots. "So we can't use her against him, eh? What a coward at the end. That lunatic bastard—"</p>
<p>"She would have followed him."</p>
<p>Mikasa's voice was soft and tiny as she cut his sentence. Yet even though it heard like a whisper, everyone could hear what she said. They blinked in confusion, except Hange and Jean who currently stood a few feet from them, somehow understood. The Marleyan raised their eyebrows in confusion, Annie could not understand what they were all talking about.</p>
<p>The rest of them were begging for more information, but the ravenette didn't give them any.</p>
<p>"She would have followed him."</p>
<p>Instead, she repeated the words. Her friends would understand her sentence — if they decided to use their brains for a while. They all knew you, she didn't have to give any further explanation regarding her statement.</p>
<p>Of course, now they understood why Hange thanked Eren for what he did to you. Even if you were alive right now, you were not going to be here, eating stew and drinking coffee while fretting about how to stop your lover who tried to commit genocide to the whole world.</p>
<p>You were going to be there, by his side, with your swords ready to be pointed out to anyone who tried to stop and harm Eren in any way. You would stand there, devoting your heart not for humanity, but for him. That was how big your love was, something that was blinding you, to the extent of worshipping him.</p>
<p>And they couldn't imagine themselves to be the one who sears their blades at you.</p>
<p>"You never told us, Hange."</p>
<p>Jean's voice filled the void, his feet stomping the grass underneath him, echoing through the quiet night. "That night, you never told us what happened." He stood on the other side of the campfire, his tall body looming in front of them as they seated on the ground.</p>
<p>The brunette stared at the man with a stern gaze, contemplating if it was the right moment to tell them. But their time was limited now, as their friends, they all deserved to know what happened that night.</p>
<p>"Alright." They put the metal cup down their lap. "Though I remind you now, it wouldn't be pleasant but," It even felt so heavy for them, by just thinking about your death. "But it would be so — <em> her.</em>"</p>
<p>The veteran scout told them everything. From how you stood in front of their door, the coffee that they shared with you, to the time you cried when they gave you the key so you could go inside his cell. They were sure that you went there to talk and asked for a reason, but they knew thirty minutes wouldn't be enough.</p>
<p>Jean felt bad for asking, as he could see how much the commander suffered from this burden. Hange's hand balled into a fist, the other gripping tight on the cup's handle. Yet they keep on going, telling them how they saw Eren wash his face as if his hands were not stained by his lover's blood.</p>
<p>They explained the bruises on your neck, shaped like fingers as an indicator of how you died.</p>
<p>"Fuck." Jean cursed, his eyes glistening with tears that were threatening to fall. "<em>Fuck.</em>" He shouldn't have asked, but it was too late, he could see the horror in your eyes, how afraid you were that night, how you were screaming for help but no one came.</p>
<p>For you to die, and the one who was responsible was your lover, he couldn't imagine the betrayal on your—</p>
<p>"But you know what's funny?" Hange spoke up once again, they were not finished yet. Their comrades immediately looked at them once again, asking for them to continue.</p>
<p>They sipped their coffee, recalling the gleam in your eyes, the comfort that they remembered up until now. There was no terror, you were not afraid of him even in your last moment. "There was no sign of resistance."</p>
<p>And that fact was enough to wake them up.</p>
<p>"Even from the start, when Eren choked her, she just stood there, letting him do it." They chuckled, almost maniacal. "Her eyes still shone with comfort as she looked at him. I-I always figure her out, I understand a lot of things about her. But, but I can't with this one."</p>
<p>They stopped, groaning as once again your eyes were the only thing that they could see. "I don't know anymore if she really believed that he must have to kill her for a reason," His hand shook the cup gently, letting the liquid swirl inside. "Or she believed that he would stop and let her go, even until she's gone for real."</p>
<p>And that last sentence broke them all.</p>
<p>The Marleyan couldn't look at the broken soldiers in front of them. Gabi and Falco pursed their lips, trying so hard to sleep. Annie who was sitting beside the unconscious Reiner, now having her pupils dilated as she understood the story, and who would be the mysterious woman that made them distressed like this.</p>
<p>Connie was silent as he kept gulping down water down his throat. Armin closed his eyes, but he could see it so clearly, the faith in your orbs. Jean just chuckled bitterly, muttering <em>stupid woman </em>again and again as tears were cascading down his cheek.</p>
<p>Then, Mikasa, her lips trembled as she tried not to sob. But whimpers already slipped, her empty cup fell to the ground as she put her hands on her ears as she wanted to stop the noises in her head. You brought joy, even in her life, and to be reminded that you were killed by Eren nonetheless, tore her apart.</p>
<p>The rest of the night was filled with nothing but sorrow. Tears accompanied them all to their sleep, silent weeps and choked-out sobs could be heard here and there.</p>
<p>Hange could only stay put under the white cloth that works as their blanket, staring into the dark green of trees, then went beyond that to see the night blue skies which adorned with stars. They subconsciously raised their hand, as if they were reaching for someone.</p>
<p>
  <em> “Tell me, Hange!” </em>
</p>
<p>They tried to understand him, they really did. When they closed your eyes as you laid on the infirmary bed, they knew that you would appreciate it if they tried to understand why he killed you. Down in the basement, they tried to bait him with your condition, blaming him for how they lost another comrade.</p>
<p>
  <em> “If there’s another way, then tell me what it is!” </em>
</p>
<p>But they were not you, they couldn’t see it. They wanted a reason but all they got from the man was just subtle answers, pain, anger, and how what he did was something that was needed to be done. They just knew that he suffered too from what he did to you, so perhaps it was enough.</p>
<p>They just wished — they could understand you for one last time.</p>
<p>"Oh, (Y/n)." They sighed, finally letting the tears slip down their cheeks. No one else saw them, it was just their lonely soul and the craving for your existence. "I think I didn’t know you enough."</p>
<p>〄</p>
<p>His vision was supposed to be filled with lights, dark blue lights that came from the coordinate. He used to know it all, see it all, what happened in the world as he activated the rumbling, he could hear all the screams from those people underneath him. Trampled by gigantic power, without given any mercy.</p>
<p>He couldn't remember when it stopped. The terror, his friends fighting him so they could stop his plan — suddenly all he saw was just a bright pinkish sky. It was as if he was laying down on one of the clouds, soft and free.</p>
<p>The breeze tickled his long hair, good that it just swayed his brown strands softly, but not good enough to give him comfort.</p>
<p>Comfort, oh, how much he longed for that word.</p>
<p>The past few days had been so hard as he kept on living to grant freedom to the Island of Paradis. He could not count how many of his comrades died, how many of his followers ended up not seeing that freedom, let alone all the lives that he took.</p>
<p>And now when he knew that he failed, he chuckled as the realisation dawned upon him. After all these years — he was still the same useless boy.</p>
<p>"Eren."</p>
<p>He sat up in an instant. Dark green eyes searching for the source of where it came from. Surely he was not hallucinating, but that was a possibility. He didn't even know what this place, let alone believing that it was her voice.</p>
<p>"Hey, Eren."</p>
<p>But it was indeed your voice. No matter how many days or weeks passed after some time he had to part with you, he could always recognise that voice anywhere. Gentle, warm, and comforting, it felt like he was so close to heaven.</p>
<p>"You are here."</p>
<p>Then he felt it. He felt <em>you.</em> He looked down on his torso, finding two arms wrapped around him from behind. It felt so right as his hand slowly covered yours, testing it in case it was all in his head. But he could touch, he could trace his finger on the back of your hand.</p>
<p>He laughed, just a short one as he still processed what kind of magic existed in this place. You rested your chin on his shoulder, planting a peck on his cheek without warning that caused him to blush a hundred shades of red.</p>
<p>"(Y/n)?" He called out your name. "Are you real?" You only answered with a single hum. "How come are you real? Where is this place? Why am I here? I am not supposed to be here, I needed to finish the plan, Ymir is—"</p>
<p>You shut him up by placing your finger in front of his lips.</p>
<p>"You are free, Eren."</p>
<p>Silence. He could not understand that. Did it mean that he already died? But if that was the truth, why did he even feel more alive now compared to all those years that he spent before?</p>
<p>You slowly retracted your finger, pulling yourself from his embrace as gently as possible. Eren was still deep in thought, hands falling to the cloud-like ground he was sitting on right now. You stood up and walked in front of him, bare feet were now within his eyesight.</p>
<p>He could touch you before, and it didn’t feel like he was hallucinating. He felt your kiss before, and it made him sure that it was real. Bewildered, he looked up only to find you looking forward. Even though he felt that he was finally free, he was still curious about what happened at this moment.</p>
<p>"What is this place?" He asked again, now a lot calmer than before as he gazed at your face which showed nothing but peace.</p>
<p>"A transit." You started, eyes never leaving the glowing sight in front of you. "A place where you are finally free, but still misplaced since it was not the last destination where you should go." He hummed, processing your words that still felt unreal.</p>
<p>"Then why are you here?" All this afterlife thing was so foreign for him. "Why don't you leave and go to your last destination?"</p>
<p>"Oh, boy, you really asking me that?" You chuckled softly, snickering as if that was the dumbest question that you ever heard. Your eyes finally cast down to face him, and when he still looked so confused, you could only let out a sigh. "Because I am waiting for you, Eren."</p>
<p>You smiled wistfully, extending your hand for him to take. "What else could it be at this point?" He took it as he nodded at your answer. You helped him up, letting him stand by himself. And now as he looked around the endless clouds, he could finally embrace the fact that he was indeed — dead.</p>
<p>Anywhere he looked, he could only find the soft, white clouds refreshing the air. The colour was tinted orange as the sun in front of him shone like it would set anytime soon. But it had been perhaps minutes by now, and yet the colour never changed.</p>
<p>If he was finally here to feel his freedom, then he would take it. The world where he lived before was not his responsibility anymore. His friends had won, and it was not his place to ask for what happened next. Yes, he was ready to be free. But as he looked at you, he still had one, unanswered question that he needed to know.</p>
<p>"Hey, (Y/n)." He cleared his throat, melancholy striking his feature as your gaze met with his.</p>
<p>"Yes, Eren?"</p>
<p>How come you are here on his side? Why did you stay in this place alone just to wait for him? He killed you, why are you not running away? There was so much, so many questions that he never dared to ask you. But one, he needed to know the answer to this one question.</p>
<p>"Why don't you fight back when I try to kill you?" </p>
<p>You didn't flinch, you stood there with a neutral expression as if he just asked you if you had eaten before.</p>
<p>"Truthfully, Eren? I always thought that you were just trying to make me hate you. Looking at me with those cold eyes, tightening your grip like that." Your finger subconsciously went to your neck. "At first, I thought you were going to let me go at some point."</p>
<p>He could feel a lump start forming in his throat as he listened, tears were threatening to fall already. That was what you felt that night, you didn’t want to die. Of course, who in the right mind wanted to die? Let alone killed by someone that you loved.</p>
<p>"But as seconds passed and you were not loosening the grip, I understood." Then you continued, your hand now fell back to your side. Though, you still looked at him with earnestness written all over your face. "I understand that you had to kill me for a reason, that you knew it was for the best."</p>
<p>His breath hitched at your statement; which was supposed to make him feel guilty, to make him feel like he was not worthy of your faith. But with how there was no ill will nor sadness in your intonation, he couldn't feel any other feelings except — relief.</p>
<p>"So I believed in you, and I wanted you to know until the end that wherever I go next, I will always devote my heart to you."</p>
<p>You said it without doubt, as if you have been saying the same thing over and over again throughout your life. Yet somehow he could know that it was the truth. Perhaps you said that inside your heart for all the times that you spent with him.</p>
<p>While you still alive, you have put your faith in him, following him anywhere he goes. No one could sway your belief, you were devoted solely just to him. You praised his name, never leaving his side under any circumstances.</p>
<p>And he realised — that was the way you said you loved him.</p>
<p>So now, it was his time to do the same, to believe in you.</p>
<p>"Come on, Eren." You dusted the non-existent wrinkles on your clothes before extending your hand for him to take, a smile never leaving your face as you waited for him patiently. "Let's go home."</p>
<p>And without wasting another second, without any hesitation, he reached for your hand. The smile on your face widened at this, and the wind suddenly twirled around the two of you. He didn't know where home was, he didn't know where you would take him.</p>
<p>But as you started to walk in the direction of the sun, he <em>followed.</em> His eyes looked forward, dark green eyes turned into the emerald shade that was gone before. It was so beautiful, how he walked above the clouds, with your hand around his, guiding him to a new place called home.</p>
<p>Your laugh resonated in his ears as he caught up with you, gripping your hand tighter, afraid that he would lose you if he loosened up. Yet somehow he knew that he wouldn't have to be scared anymore.</p>
<p>Now he was finally free. From the burden on his shoulders, from the duty that was thrown at him by his ancestors, from the endless nightmare that he saw on each vision — it was all gone. And as his gaze fleeted toward your running form, he blinked in astonishment.</p>
<p>He saw you, a younger self of you perhaps, maybe when you were nine or ten. You looked beautiful, even with your hair slightly shorter, with chubby, adorable cheeks. Then you turned to face him, and he saw those glossy beads filled with purity.</p>
<p>And inside those, he saw a reflection. Of a boy not older than ten years old, with a brown outer and a sage green shirt, holding on to someone. Oh, it was him. He looked so free as he ran side by side with you, he looked so free with you leading him to his new home.</p>
<p>Laughter filled the air that surrounded you and him; high-pitched, carefree laughter that people would hear when children ran around the street to catch one another. That happy laugh slipped from both of your lips.</p>
<p>He held your hand tighter, not because he was afraid to lose you, but so he could feel your love even more. He ran with you faster, now becoming the one who followed you as he believed that you were going to take him somewhere, to the last destination.</p>
<p>A place where he could finally be free.</p>
<p>With <em>you.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hewwo! Thank you for everyone who had been reading, commenting, and click the kudos button! I hope you are all enjoying this fic as much as I enjoy writing it. Have a good day and may you live a good life!</p>
<p>If you like to talk, you can message me on my <a href="https://caesthetix.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> or my Discord, the username is caxsthetic#4939</p>
<p>You can support me by sending messages and tell me about your thought about my fic. And if you want to donate or commissioning a fic, you could go to <a href="https://ko-fi.com/caxsthetic">My Ko-Fi Page</a> See ya on the next fic!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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